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Haunting Memories

A living monster in one's head

When it rains, I write

The rain has come just like the old times. My knees tremble. My eyes are watery. This isn’t a new thing except that now, I don’t have someone to call to whenever lightning strikes and thunder shouts. No one holds the umbrella for me now as I wrap my arms around me. And I will get used to it. I know.

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(credits to the owner of the photo)

I was never yours. You were never mine. We don’t say those three magic words to each other. And we’ll never will. We didn’t kiss nor hug. Dates are being called as jammin’. I never held your hand. You never held mine. So, technically speaking, there was never an us.

 

We are used of hearing people around us saying that we look good together. And every damn time they tease us, we will just laugh. They never heard any word from us. Not a single one. But they always have this follow up statement, “No matter how you two deny, things are so obvious.” And after that, one of us will change the topic; that’s the routine.

 

That made me think. You were always there whenever I needed you. Even when I don’t.

 

You come to fetch me every after classes to bring me home. But some friends are like that as well, right? I can’t remember any moment that you held my hand every time we walk along the road. But you’d always pull my arms and put me at the safe side of the sidewalk. You never gave me flowers and chocolates; you gave me lots of food though, spoiling me with my favorite ones. We don’t go on Sunday dates but you always make sure to call me every night asking how my day was. But other friends do the same thing, too. Right?

 

Asking has been out of our vocabulary. You never confirmed nor lie. I never did, too. Or maybe it was too obvious to still need for a confirmation.

 

I still can recall that one late night when I was drunk and electricity is down. I have nowhere to go to. Public transpo isn’t available. Rain is pouring hard. I am lost. I called you saying that I wasn’t home yet. You asked me where I was. Few minutes later, I saw you coming. You were in rage, shouting at me. I cried. You stared at me like you were my mom and I was your 7 year-old daughter who failed at an examination. I gave you a hug. That was the scene every hopeless romantic girl sees in the movie —- a guy holding an umbrella on his left hand, right hand around the girl’s waist, lips on her forehead. Heavy rain pours still. Lights coming from lampposts surrounded us.

 

But no words to confirm were uttered.

 

Maybe there was never the love I used to think. Maybe I was just really a friend, a good one. Maybe all were just a bubble to burst.

Hopes were gone. Perhaps, the unending questions were answered. You’ve found a new one to fetch now; new girl to call every night; new girl to comfort whenever heavy rain comes.

 

And here I am – getting used to the new comforter whenever rain comes… Writing.

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Pass muna ‘ko sa Pasko

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Photo by Anne Suzette Torres

Nakaupo. Walang ibang ginagawa kundi titigan ang relo at bantayan ang oras. Nakatunganga. Maingay ang paligid.
Malamig na ang simoy ng hangin. Disyembre na pala kasi. Mag-papasko nanaman pala. Naku! Mag-papasko nanaman. Teka, ako lang ba ang ayaw sa okasyong ‘to? Ako lang ba ang naiingayan at nakukulitan sa paulit-ulit na pangangaroling ng mga bata t’wing gabi? Eh, ang sakit naman talaga sa tenga ng instrumentong gamit nila na yari sa tansan, ‘di ba? Hindi ba’t nakakahilo naman talaga ang mga patay-sinding Christmas light na ‘yan? Eh, ako lang ba ang pipiliin na patayin ang alarm clock at matulog na lang kesa gumising ng maaga para mag-simbang gabi? At saka totoo namang nakakalungkot pakinggan ang mga Christmas song na tila ba pinapaalala sa atin ang nakaraan, ‘di ba?


Oo. Nakaraan. Iyong mga panahon na uso pa si Santa Claus. ‘Yun bang mga panahon na hindi pa masakit sa mga mata ang Christmas light. ‘Yung mga oras na ako pa mismo ang naglalagay ng malaking star sa tuktok ng Christmas tree namin. ‘Yung mga gabing ako mismo ang magsasalang ng CD ng Christmas songs. ‘Yung mga madaling araw na sabay-sabay kaming gigising ng maaga para kumpletuhin ang simbang gabi. ‘Yung mga oras na nag-aabang kami ni Papa sa labas ng gate para sa mga batang mangangaroling. Pero ‘yung mga panahon na ‘yon? Malabo nang mangyari ulit ‘yon. Wala na, eh. Mananatiling alaala na lang at kailanma’y hindi na mauulit pa.


Ika-24 ng Disyembre taong 2005 nang isugod si Papa sa ospital. Mapaglaro ang tadhana, ‘di ba? ‘Yung makulay na Christmas lights ay unti-unting lumabo sa aking paningin. ‘Yung mga christmas songs ay wala rin ibang nagawa kundi dagdagan ang kabang nararamdaman ko. Kasabay ng mga naririnig kong paputok sa labas ay ang lakas ng pintig ng puso ko. Tila ba lalabas na ‘to sa dibdib ko at sasabog ano mang oras. Iritado rin ako ng makita ko ang naglalakihang parol sa loob ng ospital. Ganun pala ‘yon. Sa isang iglap lang eh ayaw ko na ng mga dating gustong-gusto ko. Oo, nakaraan na kung kaya’t ayaw ko na sanang maalala pa.. Pero wala, eh. Tuwing pasko, pinapaalala sa akin lahat. Parang bumabalik yung sakit kasama ang lungkot. Hindi ba’t ganun naman talaga? Normal lang na ayawan ko ang mga bagay na magpapaalala sa sakit na naramdaman ko.
Pasko? Sa susunod na lang siguro. Kapag naghilom na ‘yung sugat sa puso ko, kapag hindi na malabo ang paningin ko sa mga patay-sinding ilaw, kapag kaya ko nang pakinggan ang mga Christmas song, kapag handa na ‘kong maglagay ng bituin sa Christmas tree namin.. kapag okay na ang lahat. At kapag dumating na ang panahon na ‘yon, masasabi ko rin na Merry na ang Christmas ko. Kung kailan? Ewan. Hindi ko rin alam, eh. Baka sa susunod na taon. O baka sa mga darating pa pagkatapos nito. Pero sa ngayon, pass na muna ‘ko sa Pasko.

Worst part of the day..

I can feel the heat of the sun in my face. Damn. It’s already late in the morning. I would need to do the following again: Deal with people I hate within the next hours, pretend in front of them that I’m happy and that I feel no pain inside killing me, make them believe that I’m not gonna explode any time, that I’m okay..that everything’s okay._20160305_193655.JPG

Indie Music

Escaping in the reality with the help of music used to be my defense mechanism against problems in life. I have my own world when it comes to music. What’s strange is that I care less whenever new songs exist. Yup, I’m a big fan of not-so-well-known type of music. I’m always ahead of the curve. I’ve this complicated relationship with songs produced by life-changing bands. These songs are those which aren’t even played on radio stations.

Urbandub will always be one of my favorite Filipino rock bands. They’re the first indie band in the Philippines to release albums nationwide with the assistance of major label. They produced some of the finest songs the local scene has ever heard. I’ve been tied to this band because it fosters a more creatively-driven appreciation of what art really is. My favorite among the rest of their songs is “The Fight is Over.” This is a deeply emotional rock song about couple starting to treat one another like strangers. Both were speechless after the break up. The lyrics are straight to the point and the beat is very unusual. Urbandub encourages exploration for the meanings behind their songs are in the depths of underground.

Another band I like is Moonstar88. They’re one of the best bands ever. Their talent in composing songs and producing melody is undoubtedly great. It’s like I can go on a bus trip the whole year if I’ll be given an earphones and player with Moonstar88 as one of the playlists. Never will I feel bored. That’s for sure. Their best song for me is “Sulat.” I don’t really know why but this song somehow reminds me of the past. I’m not sure if it’s about the calm melody or the nostalgic lyrics behind the song that attracts me the most. But whatever it is, one thing is certain, Moonstar88 will always be one of the best Filipino alternative rock bands I’ve ever heard.

Also, take time to hear the songs of Indie pop rock band, Up Dharma Down. For me, they’re best at making great combination between lyrics and melody. Their talent in combining the two is undeniably great. Honestly, I usually close my eyes whenever I listen to their song, “Feelings.” The wholeness of the song explain why I always do. It’s like you go to another place where broken hearts exist and at the same time you feel that you’re one of them even if you’re not. They have magic in their songs that makes their music really odd and different among any other bands.

Listening to indie music has always been part of my life. I prefer such type because of its uniqueness. The meanings are usually deeper and the beat of the songs are more often better. There’s really a big difference between indie music fan and mainstream music fan. These type of music have many ways of leaving an impact on someone’s life. These sends either good or bad messages and at the same time serves as a catalyst for new ideas that have big impact on how people act. And yes, I’m taking the route where Indie music is going. Never will I change my way of direction.

 

@PoisonCauldron <3

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Saying goodbye to my comfort zone be like… Teden! Performed in Poison Cauldron for the first time. An open mic session 🙂

Perks of Being a Daddy’s Girl

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*photo not mine*

          I can see the rays of the sun through my bedroom’s window. Yippee! It’s morning again, my favorite part of the day. I can already hear the sound made by dad in the kitchen as he stirs the cup of milk he is preparing for me. And yes, I still lay here in my bed waiting for him to knock on my door and greet me with his sweet line, “Good morning my little princess!”. That’s how I start my day; wait for my dad in my bedroom (pretending that I am still asleep) as he brings me my morning drink and wait for him to kiss me on my forehead.

          I’m already fond of hearing people around me calling me Daddy’s girl. Well, I really am. I easily get what I want whenever I ask for it to my dad. Things like set of encyclopedia, chessboard, a box of rubber band, a Mickey Mouse bag, Teletubbies shirts, CDs of The Beatles, STEP, and Scorpions as well, and even musical instruments such as guitar, piano, and flute. They were all served to me in just a blink of an eye. That’s how it feels like to be a daddy’s girl. I get what I want but I make sure I also give him back what he deserves. I payback using my medals every end of the school year. Those are the best things I know that could make him happy. The feeling that I get whenever my father gives me what I want fuels my mind and heart to always do good things in return. It’s a key to their happiness and it became an inspiration and motivation for me to do even more.

          I can still remember one late night scenario when I was talking with mom and dad in the master’s bedroom regarding of the reward they would give me. (I claim my prize every after Recognition Program and their gifts sometimes depends on how many medals I’ve received.) I don’t know what crossed my mind back then and what caused me say “I want a the latest model of Yamaha Piano.” I wasn’t expecting that he’ll give me such for I know it’s such an expensive thing. Also, I am not sure if he’ll take it seriously because of its availability in our place. Surprisingly, he immediately then drove using his car to Manila. And guess what? The piano was served days after I asked for it. Oh, well. What else can I say? I am as lucky as the richest man in the world for I have my Dad.

          Aside from I get every little and big thing I want, I also have my Human Diary. I can tell dad everything that crosses my mind. From the hardships I’ve struggled during memorizing the poem my teacher gave me up to my opinion about the game of Triple H and Undertaker. He was there comforting me whenever Chris Benoit loses a match. He always makes sure that I have someone to talk to when no one seems to listen to my endless little problems in life. He’s the only one to laugh whenever I crack an old-fashioned joke. He’s there to tap my back whenever I don’t get the highest score during a periodical examination. Dad is and has always been there for me during my happy and tough times. He never let me feel alone. And I know he never will. I’m his little princess, right?

          Being a daddy’s girl doesn’t end in just being a daddy’s girl. It’s more of a responsibility wherein you have to take care of the trust your father has given to you. You have to make sure that you think twice or more before taking a step especially if you’re not certain about of your action’s outcome. It’s a great feeling to treasure for the rest of your life. It’s more of a place where you could feel security, fulfillment, and love. It’s a thing you’ll carry even if you’re no longer a young girl. It will always stay in your heart even if you no longer wait for your dad to bring your morning drink in the bedroom for you are already up before the sunrise. Know that for him, you’ll always be his little princess no matter what happens.

Damsel’s Monster

 

For her, he was more than a dream.

Even though back then, he was really annoying.

For him, she was just someone usual.

Not that pretty. Not that smart.

He was a monster years ago;

the type of guy who rarely smiles.

She was boyish until now;

the type of girl who often grins.

The monster left.

The damsel was lonely.

She couldn’t find hope.

She was lost. She was rejected.

Years passed by, the unsaid feelings remain still.

The damsel tried to forget him.

Unluckily, she did not.

The monster grew up.

He uttered unexpected words.

The damsel couldn’t believe it.

She was confused.

She’s been waiting for that moment;

Waiting for her dream to come true.

Waiting to reach the untouchable star.

Waiting to be loved back by her first love, first heartbreak.

Fate? Maybe. Just maybe..

Just one thing for the monster, “Whatever the case may be, the damsel will be waiting..”

Paaram Katorogan

                Dakol na akong sinurat manungod saimo. Gabos ito dai mo nabasa asin dai mo mababasa maski kinano. Dawa iyo pano, mayo man baga talaga mabago. Ika bako para sako. Ako bako para saimo. Kaya iyo.. lingawan ta na an kada saro. Lingawan ta na. Kataid an bote kan alak, bolpen sa toong kamot, papel sa lamesa. Uni na an uryan asin paborito kong tula para saimo.

Paaram Katorogan

Uni ako sa tahaw nin kadikloman,

Nagimata hale sa magayunon na katorogan.

Ika daa dangan ako, nagkadinagosan.

Katorogan, tapos nang katorogan.

Mga aki pa kita kan kita nagkamidbidan.

Mayo pang maray aram sa kun ano an yaon sa kinaban.

Pagkawat asin pagkaraw lang an satoyang aram.

Makaulok pag para isipon, mga nakaaging panahon.

Ako namoot simo sadto.

Ika nadagit, sinipa pa ako.

Pag ibis sa gilid, iyo an sakoyang ginibo.

Nag apot sa sadiri, “Tano? Ano an mali sako?”

Pagpadaba ko saimo padagos na buminulos.

Alagad pagkaoyam mo dai man natapos.

Pag barkadahan ta gari luminoya.

Pagkalawe gari namatean ta.

Panahon nag agi,

ika naghale.

Pinutos nin kamundoan,

Sakoyang kinaban.

Ako padagos na saimong nakagapos.

Maski pagtubod ko saimo medyo kapos.

Sa isip ko kato,

Bahala na kung hanggang saen ini makaantos.

Panahon nin pag tugaan uminabot na.

Dai ako manigar,

Nag uran sakoyang mga mata.

Asin an sakoyang puso gari nanggad tig pupuga.

Kamundoan sakoyang namatean,

Inapot ka, “Ngata ngonyan lang?”

“Nag alat nin tamang panahon,” yan saimong simbag.

Makapanibago. Kadipisil panubodan.

Kamundoan mas lalo pang namatean.

Dai aram kun ika sakoyang panubodan.

Libong maray sakoyang alimantak.

Saimong sinabe arayuon sa saimong pipamate.

Samiraw lang gayod ini,

Muya ko nang magimata.

Baad tama sinda,

Baka bako man talaga kita.

Lugad hale sa pagkaulog saimo,

Muya ko nang mapila.

Halos siyam na taon na,

Alagad ini nanggad maaldaton pa.

Oras na para ini bulungon ko.

Matindog na ako asin malakaw  parayo saimo.

Dai na ako makiling maski kinano.

Dai na. Dai na.

Uni ako sa tahaw nin kadikloman,

Nagimata hale sa magayunon na katorogan.

Ika daa dangan ako, nagkadinagosan.

Katorogan, tapos nang katorogan.

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